| HOLY CRAP!!!!!! |
[21 Mar 2005|04:08am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 in love |
] |
I completely forgot i had one of these things till just now. WOW! i found a couple of new jokes so here they are:
Life is NOT like a box of chocolates...
It's more like a jar of jalapenos.
What you do today,
might burn your ass tomorrow.
$500 to Drop Your Towel
____________________________________________________
A woman is just getting out of the shower when the doorbell rings. Her husband, heading to the shower himself, asks her to see who's at the door, so she wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands her next-door neighbor, Rob. Before she can say a word, Rob says, "I'll give you $500 to drop that towel you have on."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel. He looks for a few seconds, hands her $500, and leaves with a big smile on his face.
Excited about her earnings, the woman puts the towel back on and runs upstairs. Her husband yells out from the shower, "Who was that?" "It was Rob from next door," she replies.
"Great," the husband says. "Did he say anything about the $500 dollars he owes me?"
A Mean Trick
This guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He sits down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out. Five minutes later, the guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out again. Five minutes later, he re-appears and repeats the whole thing.
About half an hour later, another guy at the bar stops the first guy and says, "Hey, how the heck are you doing that?!" The first guy responds, "Oh, it's really simple physics. When you chug the beer, it makes you all warm inside and since warm air rises, if you just hold your breath you become lighter than air and float down to the sidewalk."
"WOW!" exclaims the second man, "I gotta try that!" So he orders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, jumps out, and splats on the sidewalk below. The bartender looks over to the first man and says, "Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk."
feel free to take them if you want them later
|
|
| PISSED OFF!!!! LIVE SUCKS!!!! |
[15 Dec 2004|12:06pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 pissed off |
] |
I HATE MR. DONAHUE SO MUCH I GOT A FAILURE WARNING IN HIS CLASS SAYING THAT I NEED TO PUT MORE EFFORT INTO CLASS BUT I DO THE BEST I CAN AND IT REALLY PISSES ME OFF THAT I DO THE BEST I CAN BUT I'M STILL CLOSE TO FAILING IT FUCKIN SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!
|
|
| A Soldier's Christmas! |
[10 Dec 2004|09:37am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 depressed |
] |
Twas the Night Before Christmas
and All is Secure
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS,
HE LIVED ALL ALONE,
IN A ONE BEDROOM HOUSE MADE OF
PLASTER AND STONE.
I HAD COME DOWN THE CHIMNEY
WITH PRESENTS TO GIVE,
AND TO SEE JUST WHO
IN THIS HOME DID LIVE
I LOOKED ALL ABOUT,
A STRANGE SIGHT I DID SEE,
NO TINSEL, NO PRESENTS,
NOT EVEN A TREE.
NO STOCKING BY MANTLE,
JUST BOOTS FILLED WITH SAND,
AND ON THE WALL PICTURES
OF FAR DISTANT LANDS.
WITH MEDALS AND BADGES,
AWARD OF ALL KINDS,
A SOBERING THOUGHT
CAME TO MY MIND.
FOR THIS HOUSE WAS DIFFERENT
SO DARK AND SO DREARY,
THE HOME OF A SOLDIER,
NOW I COULD SEE CLEARLY.
THE SOLDIER LAY SLEEPING,
SILENT, ALONE,
CURLED UP ON THE FLOOR
IN THIS ONE BEDROOM HOME.
THE FACE WAS SO GENTLE,
THE ROOM IN SUCH DISORDER,
NOT HOW I PICTURED
A UNITED STATES SOLDIER.
WAS THIS THE HERO OF WHOM I'D JUST READ,
CURLED UP ON A PONCHO, THE FLOOR FOR A BED?
I REALIZED THE FAMILIES
THAT I SAW THIS NIGHT,
OWED THEIR LIVES TO THESE SOLDIERS
WHO WERE WILLING TO FIGHT.
SOON ROUND THE WORLD,
THE CHILDREN WOULD PLAY,
AND GROWNUPS WOULD CELEBRATE
A BRIGHT CHRISTMAS DAY.
THEY ALL ENJOYED FREEDOM
EACH MONTH OF THE YEAR,
BECAUSE OF THE SOLDIERS,
LIKE THE ONE LYING HERE.
I COULDN'T HELP WONDER
HOW MANY LAY ALONE,
ON A COLD CHRISTMAS EVE
IN A LAND FAR FROM HOME.
THE VERY THOUGHT
BROUGHT A TEAR TO MY EYE,
I DROPPED TO MY KNEES
AND STARTED TO CRY.
THE SOLDIER AWAKENED
AND I HEARD A ROUGH VOICE,
"SANTA DON'T CRY,
THIS LIFE IS MY CHOICE;
I FIGHT FOR FREEDOM,
I DON'T ASK FOR MORE,
MY LIFE IS MY GOD,
MY COUNTRY, MY CORPS."
THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER
AND SOON DRIFTED TO SLEEP,
I COULDN'T CONTROL IT,
I CONTINUED TO WEEP.
I KEPT WATCH FOR HOURS,
SO SILENT AND STILL,
AND WE BOTH SHIVERED
FROM THE COLD EVENING'S CHILL.
I DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE
ON THAT COLD, DARK, NIGHT,
THIS GUARDIAN OF HONOR
SO WILLING TO FIGHT.
THEN THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER,
WITH A VOICE SOFT AND PURE,
WHISPERED, "CARRY ON SANTA,
IT'S CHRISTMAS DAY, ALL IS SECURE."
ONE LOOK AT MY WATCH,
AND I KNEW HE WAS RIGHT.
"MERRY CHRISTMAS MY FRIEND,
AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT."
This poem has been slightly altered over the years.
The original poem was written by a Marine named Cpl Schmidt .
The following is his request. It seems pretty reasonable:
"Please, would you do me the kind favor of sending this to as
many people as you can? Christmas will be coming soon and some credit is
due to our U.S. servicemen and women for our being able to celebrate these festivities."
Let's try in this small way to pay a tiny bit of what we owe.
Make people stop and think of our heroes, living and dead who sacrificed
themselves for us. Please, do your small part to plant this small seed.
|
|
| funny stories |
[07 Dec 2004|08:51am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 crazy |
] |
A Mean Trick
a mean trick
This guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He sits down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out. Five minutes later, the guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out again. Five minutes later, he re-appears and repeats the whole thing.
About half an hour later, another guy at the bar stops the first guy and says, "Hey, how the heck are you doing that?!" The first guy responds, "Oh, it's really simple physics. When you chug the beer, it makes you all warm inside and since warm air rises, if you just hold your breath you become lighter than air and float down to the sidewalk."
"WOW!" exclaims the second man, "I gotta try that!" So he orders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, jumps out, and splats on the sidewalk below. The bartender looks over to the first man and says, "Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk."
Yo Mama's So Stupid...
Yo mama's so stupid, she spent twenty minutes lookin' at an orange juice box because it said "concentrate".
Yo mama's so stupid, she has 1 toe & bought a pair of flip flops
Yo mama's so stupid, she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to makeup her mind.
Yo mama's so stupid, she asked me what yield meant. I said "Slow down" and she said "What... does.... yield... mean?"
Yo mama's so stupid, she put a phone up her butt and thought she was making a booty call.
Yo mama's so stupid, she put on her glasses to watch 20/20.
Yo mama's so stupid, she climbed over a glass wall to see what was behind it.
Yo mama's so stupid, she thought Grape Nuts was an STD.
Yo mama's so stupid, she climbed a chain link fence to see what was on the other side.
Yo mama's so stupid, she failed a survey.
Yo mama's so stupid, she stopped at a stop sign and waited for it to say go.
Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building, but she got lost on the way down. .
Yo mama's so stupid, she told me to meet her at the corner of "Walk" and "Don't Walk."
Yo mama's so stupid, she thought brownie points were coupons for a bake sale.
Yo mama's so stupid, when the computer said "Press any key to continue", she couldn't find the 'Any' key.
Yo mama's so stupid, I saw her jumping up and down, asked what she was doing, and she said she drank a bottle of medicine and forgot to shake it.
|
|
| what the hell! |
[02 Dec 2004|08:36am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
about life |
] |
I don't really understand anything anymore it seems like everybody is getting pissed. It really sucks cause i try to ask people why there pissed off to try and help but all I get is nobody wants to talk to you about it! It really pisses me off though to see my friends so pissed off and I can't do anything about it when I actualy am trying to help!!! I think am just going to give up and just become more or less a "loner". I mean still have friends but worry only about me and not anybody else.
PCC OUT
JOE
|
|
|
[30 Nov 2004|09:49am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 energetic |
] |
Some Funny Stories
A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks
over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean
really
big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue grill."
With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measured the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.
"Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!" The
woman chose to ignore her husband.
Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky.
He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. What's wrong?" He asks.
She answers: " Do you really think I'm
going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie.
Two nuns were in the back of the convent smoking a cigarette, when one said, 'It's bad enough that we have to sneak out here to smoke, but it really is a problem getting rid of the butts so that Mother Superior doesn't find them.'
The second nun said, 'I've found a marvelous invention called a condom which works really well for this problem. You just open the packet up, take out the condom, and put the cigarette butt in, roll it up, and dispose of it all later.'
The first nun was quite impressed and asked where she could find them.
'You get them at a chemist, sister. Just go and ask the pharmacist for them.'
The next day the good sister went to the chemist and walked up to the counter.
'Good morning, sister,' the chemist said, 'what can I do for you today?'
'I'd like some condoms please,' said the nun.
The chemist was a little taken aback, but recovered soon enough and asked, 'How many boxes would you like? There are 12 to a box.'
'I'll take six boxes. That should last about a week,' said the nun.
The pharmacist was truly flabbergasted by this time and was almost afraid to ask any more questions. But his professionalism prevailed and he asked in a clear voice.
'Sister, what size condoms would you like? We have large, extra large, and the big liar size.'
The sister thought for a minute and finally said: 'I'm not certain, perhaps you could recommend a good size for a Camel?
Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm, then have a
surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they
rush to the hospital.
Two dozen babies are in the ward, 23 of whom are crying and screaming.
One, over in the corner, is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by, and to
the gays' delight, she points out the happy child as theirs.
"Isn't it wonderful?" Neil says to Bob. "All these unhappy children,
and ours is so happy."
The nurse says, "Oh, sure he's happy now, but just watch what happens
when we take the pacifier out of his ass."
i got these jokes from bridg. thanks a lot for the laughs!!!
|
|
|
[29 Nov 2004|11:09am] |
|
how sad. this is what your life has been reduced to - a single room apartment containing no more than a mattress. how sad when the strings have been removed from the blinds and all the outlets have been painted over. The television screen is streaked with blood smeared from your knuckles as you were trying to punch it out but you underestimated its strength, or maybe you just weren't trying hard enough. startled by a knock at the door you rise for the first time in two days to answer, but you can only greet the visitor with one short statement. hello my first name is distance and I really don't care if I never wake up again. hello my name is distance and I really don't care if I never wake up again. hello I really don't care if I never wake up again. I really don't care if I never wake up again.
|
|
| ghetto |
[29 Nov 2004|11:05am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 tired |
] |
I went campin this weekend and one of the kids that i went with cut his leg open with a axe i was laughin at him now i'm so tired it sucks!!!
|
|
| bored |
[14 Nov 2004|09:29pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 drunk |
] |
this weekend realy sucked there was a party at my house for my grandmom it was SO!!! boring i wanted to go out but couldn't i couldn't even get to my computer cause my parents hid it on me so i wouldn't go on-line
|
|
| Book line meme |
[12 Nov 2004|08:09pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
frustrated |
] |
1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 23.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the sentence in your journal...along with these instructions.
"This was Indian Island." page 23 sentence 5 in "And Then There Were None" by Agatha Christie
|
|
| forgot i had one of these!!! |
[09 Nov 2004|08:29am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 drained |
] |
Well i completly forgot that i had one of thes till i saw it in my favorites list on my computer!
On halloween i went over a friends house i know it sounds retarded but we went out and got candy my mom asked me when i'm goin to stop goin out to get candy i said bein a smart ass when they stop givin i'll stop goin
well this last weekend i went down the shore with my brother we went to cape may there was nobody there it was so boring well i got to go l8er
|
|
|
[25 Oct 2004|09:36am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
pissed off |
] |
I'M SO PISSED OFF !!!!!!!!!!! I HATE SCHOOL SO MUCH !!!!!!!!
|
|
|
[19 Oct 2004|09:26am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
pissed off |
] |
I JUST REMEMBERED I HAD ONE OF THESE i have to sit next to steph again THE VERY SHORT ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
|
|
| Rose sale |
[14 Oct 2004|08:54am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
pissed off |
] |
I promised 3 people a rose and plan to do it but my luck it will turn out like my little icon!!!!!
I HATE SCHOOL SO MUCH IT IS SO GAY!!!!!!!!!! OH MY GOD I JUST REALIZED I HAVE A PROJECT DO ON MONDAY
|
|
| English class |
[11 Oct 2004|05:33am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 amused |
] |
sitting next to steph who is the nicest gurl i ever metI HATE SCHOOL SO MUCH CANN'T WAIT TILL HALLOWEEN GOT 2 PARTIES TO GO TO BUT NOT GOING TO A PARTY I'M GOING OUT TO GET CANDY
|
|
| History Test |
[07 Oct 2004|07:06am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 scared |
] |
I had a history test today it sucked so much!!! i suck aat history i don't get why we have to learn about dead people anyway. not only that i suck at it
|
|
| Football |
[06 Oct 2004|04:27pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
disappointed |
] |
today i had to go to the dentist it SUCKED!!!! but then got home and played football for 2 hours
|
|
| Excited |
[05 Oct 2004|09:05am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
bouncy |
] |
Today is going ok so far but my luck something will go wrong!!! After school today Andy(my sisters boyfriend) asked if I could help him clean out the balcony!!! I wasn't going to help him but he told me i get to throw stuff off the balcony so that got me to help him dun dun dunnnnnn i'm in trouble
l8er
|
|
| boring field trip |
[04 Oct 2004|08:01am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
drained |
] |
I had to go on a field trip yesterday it was so boring we had to go to the University of Delaware for Coast Day. All i had to do was find answers to some questions it was so stupid. it was a big place there was crab races which my crab won!!! well i got to go
l8er
|
|
| another boring day |
[02 Oct 2004|09:19pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
tired |
] |
nothing special happened today! got up at 10:00 and did nothing all day!!!
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=88.8){kind=small}
skaterfro725's journal